Terms & Conditions by Robert Glancy & Robert Glancy

Author:Robert Glancy & Robert Glancy
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781408852194
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
Published: 2014-01-08T05:00:00+00:00

TERMS & CONDITIONS OF TRYING TO GET YOUR WIFE TO LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU’RE FALLING APART

You never get a second chance (which is what makes imagination such a cruel gift).

When I got home that night I was desperate to talk to Alice about the mugging and the weapons client but she was fussing with some presentation. I had to set the table for dinner around her, moving her papers out of the way in order to put placemats down.

Finally, after I poured her some wine, I said, ‘I had a bad day, Alice.’

It had been so long since I had said it that her name felt funny in my mouth.

‘Really,’ she said, still looking at her mobile phone.

‘Oscar won a new client.’

‘That’s great, Frank, make sure you get involved.’

‘No, the business is with ####’ I said.

‘Oh, really, well listen . . .’ said Alice.*

* And, for a moment, I heard her say what she would have said years ago: as the old Alice she would have said, ‘You just walk away from that, love, that’s terrible, resign and go and open a bookshop or something. No job or money is worth working for those types of companies.’

What she actually said was, ‘They do much more than just make weapons.’

‘That’s exactly what Oscar said. Don’t you think it’s wrong?’

‘Well, it’s a bit of an ethical conundrum, sure,’ she said, and that was it, like it was some abstract question on one of her tests.

‘And, also, I saw a man being beaten up today,’ I added.

She tapped something into her phone, and muttered, ‘That’s terrible.’ ‘Look at me when I talk to you,’ I said.

‘What the hell’s got into you, Frank?’ she said, finally looking at me.

‘I’m trying to tell you something and you’re not listening.’

‘All right, sorry, I’m all ears, what happened?’ she said, pushing her phone slightly aside so it rested near the salt and pepper, but still in reach.

‘I saw a man get mugged.’

‘That’s terrible,’ she said again, and added like a punchline, ‘But that’s just the city.’

‘Worse than that, I did nothing.’

‘Good,’ she said. ‘If you had, they could’ve killed you, people are desperate this time of year. I’ve written a paper on it. My paper was about executive stress but I’m sure homeless people get stressed too.’

‘There were no homeless people involved . . . and that doesn’t matter, that’s not the point. No, it’s not good, and, yes, I should’ve done something.’

‘Well, I’m glad you didn’t,’ she said, and her hand went to her phone, but I picked it up and threw it hard against the wall. I hoped it would break, smash in a loud dramatic gesture, but it had a rubber cover so it bounced awkwardly, comically, and landed at her feet.

‘What the fuck, Frank?’

‘It feels as if no one’s listening any more . . . I just feel . . . isn’t working for an arms manufacturer grotesque? Am I the only one with an ethical fucking problem with this?’

‘Oh, Frank, you think you’re so fucking ethical, don’t you, and the rest of us are all morally devoid gits.

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